Life in Lockdown – Vanessa
Lockdown knocked on the doors, crept in and knocked down various entities. Knocking down
generations upon generations, life afterlife. Taking away the breath of innocence. - Vanessa
Lockdown appeared almost so rapidly and changed the way that life ran. It seemed as
though life had become extinct. I remember looking out my window and to my dismay
silence is what I watched. People afraid, people scared, people uncertain of what life would
be. Yes, I was one of those people.
COVID19, COVID 19, COVID 19!
A word, a phrase so small yet holds power.
CORONA, CORONA, CORONA!
I sing this in my sleep. Not because it is damaging, but because it has become the latest
trend. I wear my lip gloss and laugh “what’s the point?, I’m wearing a mask. CORONA, the
CORONAVIRUS, CORONAVIRUS, CORONAVIRUS!
Coming to take the untalkable. Shaking the world, no one has seen. A word I have become
so scared to utter. A word that has turned the whole world around, stopping all means of
ANYTHING! Transports went. Restaurants are gone. Entertainment went. Where does that
Education practically ended at a time of uncertainty and months down the line still in the
same boat of uncertainty. As the months have gone by, I still swim in my thoughts. Cloudy
thoughts have erupted my brain. Not knowing what is happening. Not having full control of
my life. Not knowing if I was going or coming.
To top it all of BLACK LIVES MATTER came about again. Though it’s been a constant battle.
Being a Black British and witnessing such shattered me into a thousand pieces. Not able to
think straight or gather my thoughts together. Allowing social media to think for me.
Wanting to give up from being tired. Tired of being tired. But as a black individual, I have
always been taught to be brave but to not shy away.
“Without education, you’re not going anywhere in this world” – Malcolm X
With this, I pushed and pushed. Emails after emails the university sent, trying to answer all
questions, trying to be the best institution they could though they were also unsure of
anything. Yet, their willingness never went unnoticed. Digital learning became an apparent
way of teaching. A form of learning unattractable. A form of learning confusing. In doing
this, I continued to wallow in my thoughts and with my cloudy thoughts, I became an
‘unserious candidate’, running my race. Unbothered of the digital walls.
Teaching moved to the digital walls. Seminars to the digital walls. For me, my experience
was not a great start as the internet was an issue for me. And no, not because I’m BAME
and can’t afford it but because the signals in my area were down. Unable to complete
assignments to the highest level as being a born leader and elder sibling has its challenges.
Living at home during term time was not an image we had. But I pushed and pushed and
with the help of my supervisor I was able to receive certain support available.
Starting another academic year, still in the shadows unknowing what the future holds. Uni
will not be the same, the smiles, the laughs, the smell, the busyness of the school life. All
that stopped in time because of a virus. CORONAVIRUS!
Bringing pain to many, bringing misery to people. Creating a recession of what already
seemed an empty world. Struggling to find a job to help with the struggles of this world,
constantly arising my cloudiness.
Constantly been asked, what is your life as a student looking like, is not a question anyone
has an answer to. Ask me for three phrases and I would say; Uncertain, Uneased &
How am I expected to complete assignments with no library?
How am I expected to smile and keep positive and not worry about anything?
Have people forgotten the pressures of this unjust world?
How am I supposed to be excited for my third year when there is no clarity on anything?
How can I socialise properly when there is a constant worry?
For the year ahead there sure will be more unclarity but it matters how we deal with it. I
share this story to highlight the craziness of the world and that nothing is certain, most
So, I end by saying……. Wakanda Forever!