Some of my painful thoughts have a purpose
During Covid -19 I realised that some of my painful thoughts have a purpose. Don’t know what problems this realisation solves. Nevertheless, it’s something that I see and feel clearly in my mind which is rare. Imagine this, I get trapped in a cave in Turkey. There are 3 huge rocks blocking the entrance. They block the light from coming in. Each rock represents a layer of anxiety. Each time a purpose is acknowledged and appreciated, a large rock will be removed letting in some of the light and allowing a burning and fulfilling sensation to fly through my mind and body. Shaving my head in lockdown helped me with this.
I am thrown into these caves randomly but when life is moving fast sometimes we don’t have the time or really feel the need to find the strength to remove the rocks because our pain is numbed, often by naturally chasing highs in everyday life - whether it’s a sense of accomplishment or external validation. Luckily quarantine threw me in this cave to try to fix something that feels broken.
People pretending triggers pain in my chest
It has become clear to me that I am faced with a great deal of pain and confusion when someone overcompensates and directly pretends like everything is amazing and wants you to know that. I am currently in the cave with no light. Whether I am in the smoking area of Salvos or my ps4 chat. I tried to find a pattern over COVID by closing my eyes and having flashbacks of this. I can sense their insecurity when someone tries so hard to show off. It hurts me, why? My frustration is that they look so unaware and confident. I have an automatic bar set for me to be real. Sometimes I wish I didn’t have it because I get uncomfortable with myself when I go under it. I feel like I am betraying myself if I pretend to be something I am not. This is mixed with being confused of the social high I feel from it. I appreciate that I am real, always have been and will be. To let myself off the hook when I try to be cool I say to myself ‘I am in Uni and am very socially ambitious so stop judging yourself and trust you won’t compromise yourself’. These thoughts helped! I HAVE LIFTED A ROCK and feel the light on the side of my neck and had a piercing satisfaction while getting a glimpse at the turquoise sea still knowing there is more to do.
Should BIG ROCKS - 4 layers of anxiety
Anxiety 1 weakest, 4 strongest (Pain wise)
1 = uncomfortable; can be distracted; anxiety feels numbed but still a small hole in my chest which makes me feel stuck
4- immense pain about why my brain is like this. Then after I accept the fact. I have a hard time as I feel alive and connect with my music at an intense low which I find fulfilling when alone and not pretending.
4 matches my personality more than 3.
Was in the trenches with this one in lockdown.
A very big rock. My dog is called Gino.
Named after the famous Italian chef. Most lovable dog in the world. Very lazy and fat which is great so lots of fat to grab on when hugging him which melts my heart. Indirectly I feel like a part of me dies if I think I’m not showing him enough love and attention. When I walk past him and pet him for only 2 seconds as I do every morning I kind of hate myself like it’s not enough and a weird numbing blurry anxiety surfaces. I am confused and say it’s fine but I am conflicted. I think I’ll come back to him in a bit as I have other stuff to do. Same light but hurtful guilt I would have as a kid when I would come home from school and walk past him or pet him for 2 seconds. The lack of attention I showed him as a kid is something I have been dealing with for the past 5 years. With guilt. Feels like it’s a chore when I’m hugging him and it feels like I’m not feeling it enough when I walk everyday. I have level 2 anxiety when I pet him like I’m not pretending to show him affection and it’s not enough. I do this every night before I sleep, without fail except for one time which I can’t get over. I run my fingers up and down firmly 3 times above his nose, perfectly in the middle in between his golden brown eyes that look different every time I look at them. Then I say I love you. The hurtful thoughts are ‘I’m just doing this to not feel guilty, to prove to myself. I love him to make up for the past and it’s never enough’. When I give him a big hug randomly more at night sometimes I have level 3 anxiety and don’t understand why. I have anxiety anyway and just stupidly expect it to go when I hug him like he is some medicine. When I am starting to feel love by hugging him, my negative thought is ‘just appreciate this moment as you won’t have it in uni, or he is old! What if he dies, you want to say to yourself you showed him as much as love as you have to give. I have pressurising thoughts 10 times every time I hug him in the space of 15 seconds mixed with love. I am fed up. The purpose. This is to appreciate and love my dog and to test my love with these crushing thoughts, because I didn’t use to feel him in my heart. That’s it! I don’t have an answer and don’t know how I am going to leave him tomorrow for Uni. A rock is lifted and I have a connection with my dog.
Not doing enough with my life
I woke one day with level 3 anxiety like a rock in my chest that was getting bigger with every breath I took. Today’s self critical thought was I’m not doing enough with my life. Do a management course like most people. Will get a job at a decent company like everyone else afterwards. Was doing nothing in lockdown after partying in 1st year like most people. My life felt meaningless and I was getting suffocated with conflicting thoughts. Part of me wanted to let myself off the hook and know I’d make it somehow. The ambitious part of me saw the purpose; to do something about it now when I have time, the only purpose which I could make immediate practical change to. While I was fighting with myself, I was looking at the weird art in my house. I felt a weird cool feeling looking at them. When ranting, as a throw away comment I said to my mum I could literally put these on oversized t-shirts and sell them (my style). It has been 3 months since then I have a clothing company called “ SHIT FROMY YARD !!? which is sold out in the UK. I learnt more in this process about business then I ever have. The final rock is lifted. I thank god for that painful critical thought, my brain threw me a bone with this one.
I am finally free and have fallen out the cave and dived in to the cold turquoise sea in my home country. I close my eyes and find peace I can attain. When I open them I am in another cave again with the same rocks but my legs are stronger this time.